We hereby deem 2015 the year of federal education reform! Sure, the Heritage Foundation and teachers’ unions quashed ESEA reauthorization. And sure, states are the ones who will either adopt or kill the Common Core, not the federal government (despite, frequently, its best efforts). So what? 2015’s all about that fed ed-style reform. Exhibit A: Other agencies now assess employees using measures straight out of the Department of Education’s teacher-eval playbook.
Take Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Starting this year, 25 percent of his performance review will be tied to the childhood obesity rate, another 25 percent linked to corn and soy sales (easy enough for a former Iowa guv), and 35 percent based on TRANS. (It’s like VAM, but with trans fats. Oh, that doesn’t make sense? Just take our word for it.) The final 15 percent hinges on random and unannounced observations of the Vilsack family dinner table six times a year, with extra points given if the meal adheres to the MyPlate Mini-Poster!
Over at the State Department, Secretary Kerry will get a perfect score if he uses a state.gov email address. “Sometimes proficiency is asking too much, so we’re just focusing on growth,” said an agency spokesperson.
As for over-testing, FDA’s really in the $%#&. Commissioner Hamburg’s continued employment depends on her ability to match myriad acronyms with their correct department using a ten-year-old computer within a fixed time. She’s only tested biannually, but the stakes are so high, her days are now consumed by rote memorization. “The FDA has become less innovative and less creative than at any point in the agency’s history,” said a staffer who wished to remain anonymous "because he always wanted to be an anonymous source."
To be sure, not every agency has hopped on the bandwagon. The Health and Human Services Deparment, for example, allowed Secretary Sylvia Mary Mathews Burwell to opt out of test-based evaluations this year because it decided that dealing with Obamacare was punishment enough.
Still not convinced of this policy’s efficacy? Obama offered members of Congress—that well-oiled machine that just gets stuff done—waivers for the next election if they were able guess what would kill ESEA reauthorization. Initial reports were that only some representatives out of the Evergreen State predicted that Lily Garcia and Jim DeMint had so much in common. Sadly, after receiving the sought-after prize, POTUS unceremoniously revoked Washington State’s waiver. Better luck next time, folks. And until that day, enjoy 2015, the year of federal education reform!
