The Newest New Republic recently suggested that Vice President Dick Cheney's erratic behavior and "darkening persona" can be explained by his long history of heart disease. Which got us thinking: could Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings's frequent bouts of amnesia (still showing up to work at the White House instead of 400 Maryland Ave., forgetting what the initials "NCLB" stand for, not recalling her key role in the billion-dollar home-ec Kneading First program, referring to herself as LaMontaigne) also have a medical explanation?
Here are the facts. In February 2004, at a White House meeting with the nation's governors, just moments after then-Secretary of Education Rod Paige compared the National Education Association to a "terrorist organization," Spellings suffered a bout of Repetitive Sneezing Syndrome (RSS). To be exact, she sneezed 87 times in a row.
As ENT expert Dr. Harvey Schnozdrihppis explains, RSS can cause long-term damage to the "wiring" of one's memory infrastructure: "Every time we sneeze, we cause some trauma to the brain, as the explosive power bursts tiny capillaries in the frontal lobe. In moderation, sneezing does no lasting damage. But the brains of RSS victims cannot recover between sneezes, causing some to experience periodic amnesia for months or even years."
Why do some people suffer bouts of RSS? "It is often related to surprise--good or bad," Dr. Schnozdrihppis explains. "In children, for example, it often happens on a birthday or on Christmas morning, right after they open a present that brings them great joy. In adult women, it frequently occurs when they look in a mirror after having their hair done."
Why did Spellings have such a fateful episode on that February day? Nobody can be sure, but we imagine it went like this:
10:56 a.m.: Secretary Paige talking. Spellings daydreaming: The President's never going to dump this guy. Superintendent of the Year. A black man from Houston, fighting the soft bigotry of...now how does that go? Leaving no child in the gutter and all that. Will my turn never come? I've worked hard for this. Secretary Spellings. Has a nice ring to it. Maybe I should buy some new glasses. Possibly a pink suit.
10:58 a.m.: Secretary Paige: "What you've got to understand is that the NEA is basically a terrorist organization."
10:59 a.m.: What? Wait? What did he say? Did he just say that? Holy Wachalachee. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is bad. This is baaaad.
11:00 a.m.: Wait. This is good. This is gooooood. This is it! You can't call the NEA a terrorist organization. The president can't keep him now. Not after this. Look at their faces. Those governors are turning red. Oh my God. This is huge. This is great. I'm going to be Secretary. At long last! This is awesome. Awesome! Awe...Awe.... A-choooo!
And thus, the onset of periodic amnesia.
So the next time you think that Secretary Spellings is mis-remembering something, consider that there could be a medical explanation. Only the nose knows for sure.