In a startling turn of events, the U.S. Senate has announced that John B. King, Jr. is not, as previously thought, the secretary of education. An Oversight Committee review of last month’s confirmation process concluded that the identically named John King of CNN fame is actually the new head of the Department of Education.
Informed of this news, individual GOP senators acknowledged the difference between the two men and demonstrated varying degrees of glee.
“Mitch gets us all together in the cloakroom and says, ‘The president wants John King. We’ll give him John King.’” recalled Senator Roger Wicker (R-MS). “So we confirmed this TV fella instead. Take that, Barack.”
Though his clean-cut looks, strong jaw, and buttery inflection have won the television personality a loyal following among cable news aficionados, King isn’t known to hold any firm policy views on school choice, Common Core, labor organizing, or any of the other issues that have divided the parties on education over the last few decades. And King himself professed surprise at the selection, noting that he has no interest in schools.
According to his CNN colleagues, King’s favored topics of discussion include Gaelic football and scrapbooking. One coworker, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, claimed that King spent “hours of each day” transfixed by CNN’s so-called “Magic Map,” the touch-activated monitor used to illustrate voting patterns during election broadcasts. “He takes the map into his dressing room and uses it as an Etch-A-Sketch,” the anonymous employee said. “He gets angry when he can’t shake it clear.”
Senate Democrats, who were expected to support the nomination of President Obama’s preferred choice, seemed genuinely won over by the newsman. California Senator Dianne Feinstein downplayed the deception and applauded King’s sentience. “I don’t care if it was a prank. We got the damned thing filled, didn’t we?”