The Narrow, Namby-Pamby Approach Project
Economic Misery Institute
April 1, 2009
School systems across the land have long struggled to eliminate the achievement gap. "No matter what schools do, it just doesn't seem to make a difference," said Sal Dullton, developer of the Narrower, Nambier-Pambier Approach to Education. The solution? Less is more. According to Dullton and his distinguished colleague, Utica schools chancellor Noel Fein, we should aim to achieve just four objectives over the course of a student's 13 years in public education:
- Language Arts: instead of learning the entire alphabet, pupils need only learn the letters E, T, A, I, and O, as these are used most frequently in the English language.
- Math: students will learn the multiplication table for the number nine; with that nifty finger trick, the nines are super easy to teach.
- Social Studies: this subject will end after second grade. After students learn about themselves, their family, and their community, nothing else really matters.
- Science: students really just need to know that the earth is round. That debate is old enough it should be a cinch.
When asked why he agreed to lead such a namby-pamby effort, Dullton directed the question to his tax attorney. As of yet, the Dullton-Fein manifesto has gained just one additional signer: Slam Duncan, who has also signed three other manifestos that support feeding all children protein-packed, high fiber, multigrain waffles for breakfast, extending the school day to 24 hours during Daylight Savings Time, and making homeschooling mandatory after age 9. If you would like to join the cause, which is guaranteed to zap the achievement gap within minutes, click here.